!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH "?", he said. -- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens) "Ah. Philosophy," said Om. -- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods) "Almost" only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. "And this, Wesley, is an airlock. Care to step in?" "Baby on board" just means five more points. "Bollocks," said Pooh, being more forthright than usual. "Bother!" said Pooh, "I need a sauce for Piglet." "Bother," said Pooh, as he connected at 300 bps. "Bother," said Pooh, as he said f**k in the wrong conference. "Bother," said Pooh, as the Death Star exploded around him. "Bother," said Pooh, as the EEC outlawed his favourite sized honey pot. "Bother," said Pooh, as the vice squad took his GIFS "Come on over for barbecue," said Pooh as he eyed Piglet hungrily. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. "Ensign Fodder, report to transporter for away team duty. "He has become One with Himself!" "He's passed out!" "That too."-B5 "Hello, World!" 17 Errors, 31 Warnings... "Hello," he lied. -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. "I am Barney of Borg. Today we learned that resistance is useless." "I am Beavis of Borg. Resistance, like uh... sucks ." "I am MS-DOS of Borg. Prepare... oops, out of memory!" "I think we're putting all of our chickens in one egg." [Bevis Peters] "I'm not a hologram!", "I'm half human!", "And whatever happenned to my teef?" "Just another minute on the modem, honey, and THEN you can call 911." "Like putty in your hands" takes on a new and depressing meaning. "Mr. Worf... Fire at Will.." >BZZZT< "... Hey, where'd Riker go?" "Press to test." "Release to detonate." "The reason I like the Amiga is becuase it looks like my work." - Andy Warhol "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. "We hAvE yOuR mArS pRoBe. We WaNt 1 bIlIiOn CrEdItS iN 24 Hrs." -- Zrne "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. -- George Ade %DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears ... not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be. ...carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. ...opens her mouth, only to change whichever foot was previously in there. .signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn] / is the root of all directories. //GO.SYSIN DD #, DOODAH, DOODAH /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 186,282 miles per second - It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 1955-1975 - 36 Elvis movies. 1975-1989 - nothing. -- Tom Neff 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. 2 is not equal to 3 - not even for large values of 2. -- Grabel's Law 2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know. 2-phenylethanol - a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast. 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 3.141592653589793238462643383279502883197116939937510... I forget the rest 8088 = model T Ford. Pentium = supercharged 400 horsepower model T Ford. 8Mb Amiga, Uses extra RAM as disk space. 32Mb PC, Uses extra disk space as RAM 9 out of 10 Rottweilers prefer Jehovah's Witnesses. 90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 90% of everything is crud. -- Sturgeon's Law :-) :-> ;-) :) "Smilies everyone, Smilies" Mr.Rourke >From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.* ??? -- DEC's RSTS/E operating system A Belgian is a hell living on Earth. A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg. A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. A bad random number generator - 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with her. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. A bit of tolerance is worth a megabyte of flaming. -- Henry Spencer A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. A cat will blink when struck with a hammer. A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. A chat has nine lives. A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer's attention span is only as long as its extension cord. A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? A day without sunshine is like night. A day without sunshine is like night. A difference 'twixt man and machine is that machine is quiet when well oiled A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano... A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them. A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems. A fool and his guilt are soon parted. A fool and his money are soon partying. A fool must now and then be right by chance. A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. -- D. Gries A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai Stevenson A friend in need is a pest indeed. A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). A good gossip is a wonderful tonic. A good pun is its own reword. A good pun is its own reword. A gossip is a person with a keen sense of humour. A great many people mistake opinions for thoughts. -- Herbert V. Prochnow A gun gives you a body, not a bird. A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. -- Laura Creighton A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. A kind word and a gun gets you more than a kind word alone. A kind word and gun gets you more than a kind word alone. A king's castle is his home. A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. A lie in time saves nine. A life spent making mistakes is more useful than a life spent doing nothing. A list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Don Knuth A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man is never drunk if he can lie on the floor without holding on. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. A man's house is his hassle. A mighty work deserves a mighty theme. -- Herman Melville A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. A momentary moment of slackness... A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. A penny saved is ridiculous. A person forgives only when she is in the wrong. A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. -- George Wald A record of data is essential; it indicates you have been doing something. A scrum to Ireland, who have their tails up right under the Welsh crossbar. A semi-final is, as we all know, a semi-final - it's the old cliche. A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard A smile is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it in one spot. A sonic screwdriver is vodka and orange juice going Mach 2. A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -- O'Henry A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. A week is a long time in politics. A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. A woman should have compassion. -- Kirk, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2. A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct? A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium? A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer. A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door AAAAA: An organization for drunks who drive AAAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous ALL HANDS ON DECK! SWIRLY THING ALERT! -- Cat, Red Dwarf 6, legion AMIGA: Because the alternative is unthinkable. APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. APL is a write-only language. -- Roy Keir APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE - FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. About Martina Navratilova: It's hard playing against a man. About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. Absence makes the heart go wander. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation. Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right Acid -- better living through chemistry. Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. -- Brook Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. -- Brook's Law Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery. Adore: To venerate expectantly. Adult, n.: One old enough to know better. Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it. Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. After all is said and done, usually more is said. After this fight he (Kirkland Lang) can look himself in the face. Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. Afterwards, the universe will explode for your pleasure. Against boredom, even the gods themselves struggle in vain. Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. -- Dorothy Parker Aging is bad, but consider the alternative. Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes. Air is water with holes in it Alex Haley was adopted! Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. All computers run at the same speed...with the power off. All extremists should be taken out and shot. All flesh is grass -- Isiah. Smoke a friend today. All general statements are false. All generalizations are false. All jobs require at least one extra visit to the DIY centre. All laws are basically false. -- Larkinson's Law All men are brothers. -- Kirk, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.9. All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane. All new: The software is not compatible with previous versions. All power corrupts, but we need electricity. All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance. All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- E. Rutherford All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. All that glitters has a high refractive index. All the argentinians swarmed around him - most of all Maradona. All the easy problems have been solved. -- Kinkler's Second Law All the good ones are taken. -- Harris's Lament All the modern inconveniences -- Mark Twain All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken. All the world's an analog stage and digital circuits play only bit parts. All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative. All this will be for nothing unless we go to the stars -- Babylon 5 All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All you need to know is the user interface. -- J. Redford All your problems are being caused by invisible people called Floyd and Maude. Alone, adj.: In bad company. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Although a Canadian, Mario Martinez is, in fact, an Italian. Although he isn't as good as he was two years ago, now he's even better! Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. Always draw your curves then plot the readings. Always know where your towel is. (Ford's Rule) Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Amiga - The computer for the creative mind. Amiga, because Windows still can't do it right. Amiga: A computer that is as much an individual as you are. Amiga: Computers that work for YOU. Amiga: Intelligence Inside! Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. An algorithm must be seen to be believed. -- D. E. Knuth An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran. An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished. An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. An object will fall so as to do the most damage. -- Law of Selective Gravity An ounce image is worth a pound of performance. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -- Van Roy's Law Anarchy is better that no government at all. And 1st division Luton have haunted themselves with their own play. And Dickie Bird standing there with his neck between his shoulders. And again the game's turned round on it's head. And all the Borg left was this darn PC Clone... And furthermore... I don't like your trousers. And it's finished! Now it only has to be written. -- Karl Lehenbauer And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. And the gap, which was just under five seconds, is now just over four. And they've visibly grown in stature - even the 5ft 6in Ramirez. And today will go down in history as January 17 1991. Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. -- Tom Lehrer Anger is a relative state. -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4. Ankh if you love Isis. Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. Another megabytes the dust. Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. Any excuse will serve a tyrant. -- Aesop Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory. Any given program will expand to fill available memory. Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. -- Ted Nelson Any program that runs right is obsolete. Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. -- Malek's Law Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Kulawiec Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. -- Publilius Syrus Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none. Anyone can walk on water. You just have to know where the rocks are. Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. -- W. C. Fields Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. Anything that doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. -- G. K. Chesterton Anything worth doing is worth overdoing Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key. Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth. Are you a turtle? Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle Art is anything you can get away with. -- Marshall McLuhan. Art is either plagiarism or revolution. -- Paul Gauguin Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies. Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." As far as I can see you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. As you read the scroll, it vanishes... As you stroll through life, always remember: HELL SUCKS! Ask a silly person, get a silly answer Ask not for whom the tolls. Ask them to list all 54 flavours, then order vanilla. Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass". Assassins do it from behind. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. -- Wethern's Law Astronauts are out to launch. At 34 nobody will feel the heat more than him. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. -- Winston Churchill Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching? Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable. Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. Avoid reality at all costs. Avoid reality at all costs. Avoid temporary variables and strange women. Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran). Avoid unnecessary branches. Ayatollah Khomeini will one day be viewed as some kind of a saint. BASIC : Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism". BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. -- Seymour Papert BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd. BB: Do you prefer me when I'm quiet? Simes: I wouldn't know! BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) BLISS is ignorance BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding! BROADCAST MESSAGE AT 4:45pm Brain going down... IMMEDIATELY. Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic? Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure? Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner. Bad people will find a way around the laws. -- Plato Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program. Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. Banectomy, n.: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. Bar magnets have N and S poles, horseshoe magnets have E and W poles. Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom Lehrer Basic is a high level languish. APL is a high level anguish. Battle Creek makes cereal terminals. Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. Be braver - you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. Be different: conform. Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Be security conscious - National defense is at stake. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon! Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. -- Parker's Law Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. -Christine(9) Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Beauty times brains equals a constant. Bedfellows make strange politicians. Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. Before we go to the formality of sentencing the deceased, I mean DEFENSE... Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -- Maryon Pearson Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away. Being defeated is a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry! Being seven points behind gives you a definite psychological advantage. Being superstitious brings bad luck. Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence -- Time Bandits Better dead than mellow. Better fellate than never Better late than before anybody has invited you. -- Ambrose Bierce Better to kill time than have it kill you. -- karl Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein Beware of Quantum ducks (Quark!Quark!Quark!) Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! Beware of low-flying butterflies. Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein Beware of the opinion of someone without any facts. Bidet? Try washing your whole body. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. Biology grows on you. Birth: The first and direst of all disasters. Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic Black holes are where God divided by zero. Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault. Bleakness ... Desolation ... Plastic forks ... Blessed are the inept for they will inherit the skies. Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. Bonsai! -- (Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man) Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. Borg -- James Borg -- licensed to assimilate. Born again virgin Boy, I'd hate to be in my shoes right now. Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. -- Kin Hubbard Brain fried; core dumped. Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think. Breakfast in bed is for snobs, smoking in bed is for slobs -- Pringlespanion Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try. Breakthrough: It nearly booted on the first try. Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -- T. John Wendel Bugs bugs everywhere, and not a fix in sight. Buildings burn, people die, but true love is forever -- The Crow Bungy - When you step off a bridge your life takes a very definite direction Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies. -- Honore de Balzac Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure. Buses turn up within seconds of your lighting a cigarette. But I don't like Spam!!!! But don't you worry, its for a cause - feeding global corporations paws. But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. -- Virginia Masters But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers? Buy Amiga or else By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW! CCCP:> format CCCP: /u CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover. COBOL is not dead, it just smells that way. - major@pta.oz.au COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb Calm down. It's just ones and zeros. - cbmvax!carolyn Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. Canada: a few acres of snow. -- Voltaire Canadians are simply unarmed Americans, with healthcare Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. -- Mark Twain Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. Celibacy is not hereditary. -- First Law of Socio-Genetics Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. Character Density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Chaste makes waste. Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often! Chicken Little only has to be right once. Chicken Little was right. Chicken: an egg's way of producing more eggs. Chocolate: the OTHER major food group. Choose variable names that will not be confused. Chown up. Chow down. Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. Circle: A line which meets its other end without ending. City: A large community where people are lonesome together Cleanliness is next to impossible. Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. Close your eyes and press escape three times. Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language. Cocaine - the thinking man's Dristan. Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. Code so clean...you can eat off it. Coincidences are spiritual puns. -- G. K. Chesterton Coito ergo sum Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. Committee (noun): A life form with six or more legs and no brain. Committees do harm merely by existing. -- Freeman Dyson Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. -- Josh Billings Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. Computer Scientist: someone who fixes things that aren't broken. Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying. Computer hackers do it all night long. Computer modelers simulate it first. Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS Computer programmers do it byte by byte. Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. Computers are a fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers are only human. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. -- Gilb Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tonnes - Popular Mechanics Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons -- Pop Mechanics, 1949 Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do. Computers were invented by Murphy. Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. -- Thomas Computing power increases as the square of the cost. Conceit causes more conversation than wit. -- LaRouchefoucauld Condense soup, not books! Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Conform, go crazy, or become an artist Confucious say too damn much! Confucious say: Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk Confucious say: Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night Confucious say: Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly Confucious say: Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse Confucious say: Woman who wears g-string, high on crack Confusion is always the most honest response. Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. Mencken Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Conservative: one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. Contempt is the weapon of the weak -- Alice Miller Continental people have sex lives - the English have hot-water bottles. Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. -- Kernigan Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. Courage is your greatest present need. Court, n.: A place where they dispense with justice. -- Arthur Train Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. Crap On Customer - anagram of Acorn Computers Crayons can take you more places than starships. * Guinan Creditors have much better memories than debtors. Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman Cuius testiculos habes, habeas cardia et cerebellum - T. Pratchett, Small Gods Customer: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain. Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth. -- Lillian Hellman Czechoslovakia ahead a goal to nil - that's a win if it stays that way. DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data. DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data. DEC: Do Expect Cuts DEC: Do Expect Cuts DOS: Defunct Operating System DOS: Defunct Operating System DROP THE SCYTHE, AND TURN AROUND SLOWLY. -- (Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man) DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Dare To Dream AMIGA! Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'. Death is a nonmaskable interrupt. Death is hereditary. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy". Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last. Death to all fanatics! Death to all fanatics! Death to the fascist insects who suck the blood of the people! Debugger: A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought. Define the universe. Give three examples. Deja Moo: The feeling that you heard this bull somewhere before. Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget. Design: The activity of preparing for a design review. Desk: a wastebasket with drawers Despite popular demand, I will return. Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will. Did I say 2? I lied. Did you know ... Did you know that clones never use mirrors? Did you know... That no-one ever reads these things? Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. Digital circuits are made from analog parts. Dinner Not Ready...(A)bort (R)etry (P)izza Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. Disc space, the final frontier! Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. Disco - A large group of people sweating in nice clothes. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. Disease and deprivation stalk out land like 2 giant... stalking things. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Distinctive, adj.: A different color or shape than our competitors. Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. Do blind eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs? Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? Do it only with the best. Do married women make the best wives? Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy. Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them. Do not open sun roof when car is covered with snow. Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer. Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. Do unto others before they do unto you Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. Do you always want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Do you know what the death rate around here is? One per person. Do you like me for my brain or my baud? Dock-a-loodle-fod! -- (Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man) Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?" Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad... Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Dogs can't smell fear, but they can smell wet pants. Don't abandon hope - your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. Don't ask me - I just work here Don't ask me - I'm making this up as I go along Don't be afraid of big steps. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is. -- Browne Don't be humble ... you're not that great. -- Golda Meir Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. Don't believe him, he just got up on the wrong side of the bed. Don't bother planning for the unexpected, it's useless - by definition. Don't break it if you can't fix it. Don't byte off more than you can view. Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! -- Joe Cointment Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. Don't cook tonight - starve a rat today! Don't count the days, make the days count. Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. Don't document the program; program the document. Don't drink and drive! You might hit a bump and spill your drink!! Don't feed the bats tonight. Don't force it, get a larger hammer. Don't force it; get a larger hammer. -- Anthony's Law of Force Don't get even - get odd! Don't get mad - get even. -- The Kennedy Constant Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. Don't go through life, grow through life. -- Eric Butterworth Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep until noon Don't hit a man when he's down - kick him; it's easier. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. Don't let the computer bugs bite! Don't let your mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone. Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. Don't say yes until I finish talking. -- Darryl F. Zanuck Don't stop at one bug. Don't suspect your friends - turn them in! -- "Brazil" Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent. Don't take life too seriously - you'll never get out if it alive. Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. Don't tell everything you know. Especially in a rulebook. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Don't vote. It only encourages them. Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? Down with categorical imperative! Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. Drilling for oil is boring. Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it IS fun trying. Drive A: format failure, formatting C: instead... Drive defensively. Buy a tank. Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. Due to inflation, all clouds will now be lined with zinc. Dyslexics of the world, untie! E Pluribus UNIX. E Pluribus Unix EBCDIC: Erase, Back up, Chew Disk, Ignite Card EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY. Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can. Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. -- Jeff Berner Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness. Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai Stevenson Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. Elevators smell different to midgets Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. Enough research will tend to support your theory. -- Murphy's Law of Research Entropy isn't what it used to be. Equal bytes for women. Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated. Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue... Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it. Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you. Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. Ever get the feeling we're being led here like lambs to the kebab shop? Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. -- Newton's Fourth Law Every bug you find is the last one. Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. Every fish needs a bicycle. Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. -- Don Vonada Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly. Every once in a while, stop and enjoy an ice cream cone. Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug. Every silver lining has a cloud around it. Every silver lining has a cloud. Every solution breeds new problems. Every time I lose weight, It finds me again! Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. -- Dykstra Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Everyone has a scheme that will not work. -- Howe's Law Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. Everyone is weird. Some of us are proud of it. Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it. Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it. Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. Everything depends. (Langsam's Rule) Everything depends. Nothing is always. Everything is sometimes. Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. -- Simon's Law Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. Everything you know is wrong! Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. Excellent day to have a rotten day. Excellent time to become a missing person. Exceptions rule. Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation. Excuse me, is this a private fight or can anyone join in? Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway. Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway. Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. Expenditures rise to meet income. -- Parkinson's Second Law Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. Experiments should be reproducable - they should all fail in the same way. Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. -- Kulawiec Eyes are vocal, tears have tongues, and there are words not made with lungs. F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! F u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC -- (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!) Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. Familiarity breeds attempt Familiarity breeds children. Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce Famous? I'm not famous. Often people come on stage and say "Hello Steve!" Fats Loves Madelyn Fax is stranger than fiction. Feature: A bug with seniority. Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... Few people ever fully recover from sanding wooden floors. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. File names are infinite in length where infinity is set to 255 characters. Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug." Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India. First say to yourself what you would be, then do what you have to do. Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded. Football today would certainly not to be the same if it had never existed. For Reply, send a self-abused stomped Antelope For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -- R. Clopton For every problem there is a simple solution, and it's always wrong. For neatness, always draw the curves first, and afterwards plot the data. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! Forenoon, n. The latter part of the night. Vulgar. Forget. -- Spock, "Requiem for Methusalah," stardate 5843.7. Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. Frank Lessor... one of the unsung heroes of popular music. Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife. Friction is a drag. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. Friends don't let friends use sendmail! Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. -- Jones' Motto Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway. Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. F**kin' A! Purple Haze!!! -- Louie Gonzalez, Geometry class, 1973 Functionality breeds Contempt. -- Fine's Corollary Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer. GIRO: Garbage In Rubbish Out Garbage In, Gospel Out. Garbage in, gospel out. -- Manual Writer's Creed Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. George Orwell was an optimist. Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! Get a Clue. Buy an Amiga you schmuck! Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Get the facts first, and THEN panic. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. -- Napolean Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. Go 'way! You're bothering me! Go climb a gravity well! God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th. God gives burdens; also shoulders God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER. God is a polythiest God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's God is real, unless declared integer. -- Allen W. Sherzer (aws@vax3.UUCP) God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. -- Alfred Jarry God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. -- Kronecker God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Going through Jimmy White's mind now will be the winning post. Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. Good day to let down old friends who need help. Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid. Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly -- Plato Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored. Gort, klaatu birada nikto. Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23 Got complimented on my driving, someone left a note saying "parking fine". Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. Goverment Warning: Intel inside, can't divide! Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. -- Wiker's Law Grab them by the balls - the hearts and minds will follow. Graduate life - it's not just a job, it's an indenture. Graduate of the Han Solo school of asteroid belt navigation. Gravity brings me down. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. Gravity isn't MY fault! I voted for VELCRO! Gravity isn't easy, but it's the law. Great groups from little icons grow. Great minds run in great circles. Grelb's Commentary Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. Grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat) Grow your own dope, plant a politician! Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. Growl, growl -- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures) Grub first, then ethics. -- Bertolt Brecht Gun control: Hitting what you aim at. HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS HO HUM -- The Redundant Hackers have kernel knowledge. Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. Hail to the sun god He sure is a fun god Ra! Ra! Ra! Haji has been probably the best player on the field without any question. Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.) Half the people you know are below average. Handipaks of screws always contain too few or too many for the job. Happiness is Planet Earth in your rear-view mirror. -- Sam Hurt Happiness is egg-shaped. Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden Nash Happiness is not a destination. It's the trip. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. -- Tom Lehrer Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. -- Martin Luther King Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. Have a day. (Manic depressives only) Have an adequate day. Have you lived here all your life? Oh, twice that long. Haven't you been screwed by Microsoft long enough? Buy Amiga! He (Van Basten) was lucky to not avoid getting sent off. He comes at you rather like a fridge door opening with the light going on. He didn't drop the bat. It fell out of his hand. He doesn't speak a word of Guinness -- CB '93 He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. He is now rising from affluence to poverty. -- Mark Twain He isn't dead; He's electroencephalographically challenged He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. -- Jonathon Swift He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes... He went down like a sack of potatoes, then made a meal of it... He who Laughs, Lasts. He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. He who hesitates is constipated. He who hesitates is last. He who hesitates is probably right. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. He who is afraid to ask is ashamed of learning... Or afraid of being flamed :-) He who laughs last didn't get the joke. He who laughs last is at 300 Baud. He who laughs last thinks slowest! He who laughs last thinks slowest. He who looks like his passport photo is not well enough to travel. He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool. He who shouts the loudest has the floor. -- Swipple's Rule of Order He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. He who throws mud loses ground. He who turns and runs away gets shot in the back. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle He's dead, Jim. -- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark," stardate 3196.1. He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ... He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ... Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. Heisenberg may have slept here Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. -- Milton Friedman Hell hath no fury like an unjustified assumption. Help a swallow land at Capistrano. Help fight continental drift. Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. Help support helpless victims of computer error. Help wanted - telepath: you know where to apply Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! Hex dump: Where witches put used curses... Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! -- W. C. Fields Hey, dad, remember our car? -- Calvin Hi, I'm home right now... -- Car phone answering machine. Hindsight is an exact science. Hire the morally handicapped. Hiroshima '45, Chernobyl '86, Windows '95 Hiroshima 45, Tjernobyl 86, Windows 95 His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity His mind is like a steel trap - full of mice -- Foghorn Leghorn His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. Hold still while I flame you. -- Karl Lehenbauer Home is where you hang your @ Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense Honey, I Formatted the Kid! Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." Honk if you love peace and quiet. Horn broken, watch for finger. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N) Hot as Vulcan. -- McCoy, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7. Hotel: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. -- Neil Armstrong How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file... How can a man of integrity get along in Washington? -- Richard Feynman How can they tell? How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? How come wrong numbers are never busy? How did a fool and his money GET together? How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T." How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? How does Teflon stick to the pan? How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down. How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. -- William Gilbert Humour is the ability to see three sides of the coin. (Roren's Rule) Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipidalienistic - a person who uses too many big words I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! -- Paul McCracken I am not an alcoholic, I simply enjoy living in a liquid medium. I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. I am the computer your mother warned you about. I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. -- Frank Lloyd Wright I believe in a God which doesn't need heavy financing. -- Fletch I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. -- Will Rogers I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky I brake for chezlogs! I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. I can bite your leg if you like -- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures) I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. I can resist anything but temptation. I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving again. I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh I can't understand why it's still raining; the weekend is over. I can't walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either. I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov I don't eat snails. I prefer fast food. I don't even know what street Canada is on. -- Al Capone I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. I don't think I'm longsighted, I'm just short... SIGHTED! -- Maddy I don't understand what it is. Let's kill it. (Worf's Rule) I doubt, therefore I might be. I drink to make other people interesting. I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I either want less corruption or a chance to participate. I feel like a million tonight, but one at a time. I feel more like I do now than I did a while ago. I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. I had to hit him - he was starting to make sense. I hate quotations. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson I have a perfect cure for a sore throat. Cut it. -- Alfred Hitchcock I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better. -- Sophie Tucker I have discovered the heart of bushido: to die! -- Yamamoto Tsunetomo I have no problem with God. It's his fan clubs I hate. I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. I haven't lost my mind - I know exactly where I left it. I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere. I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on Jazz somewhere ;) I hit a bus stop sign which was obscured by people. I hope someday a Pope chooses the name Shorty. I intend to live forever - so far, so good I intend to live forever - so far, so good I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! I just found the last bug. I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. -- Art Leo I like dolphins. If dolphins were human, I'd be a dolphin. I like to leave messages BEFORE the beep. I like work... I can sit and watch it for hours. I like your game but we have to change the rules. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by -- DNA I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy I may be a craven little coward, but i'm a GREEDY craven little coward. I may be more of a romantic than you, so feel free to throw up if you have to. I modem, but they grew back. I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. I now pronounce you men and wives. I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. -- G. B. Shaw I once married a pair of legs which was a bad idea. I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. I played poker with a tarot deck...got a royal flush...5 people died. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! I resemble that comet... I say we put Schrodinger in the box and see how HE likes it. I see you're feeling particularly blonde today. I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. -- Graffiti in Los Angeles I smell a wumpus. I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving! I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. -- Turing "I think I could fall madly in bed with you." I think we're putting all of our chickens in one egg. [Bevis Peters] I think, therefore I am, I think?! I think; therefore, I can't be a Socialist. -- Thomas Landsberger I thought I was insane once. I must have been crazy. I thought he was one of the human race - but he is not. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. I used to have a life, then I got v32bis! I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. I wants your body, Mrs Ogg. -- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies) I was 18 about six years ago - I'm 28 now. I was so surprised at my birth, I couldn't talk for a year. I will defend to your death my right to my opinion. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. I would not allow this employee to breed. I would not breed from this Officer. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I wouldn't pay a million pounds to be somewhere else tonight! I'd enjoy the day more if it started later. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat. I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in "Y" I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. I'd prefer the non-smoking lifeboat, please. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. I'm NOT Politically Correct, but that's because I'm "Sensitivity Challenged." I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain. I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff. -- Tom Neff I'm a Lisp variable - bind me! I'm a forgotten man in his (Bobby Robson's) mind. I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor I'm a hacker - I don't know the meaning of sleep. I'm a lover, not a hacker. -- Jeff Daiell I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day. I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk. I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. I'm delighted. The uglier we are the better we get. I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. -- Fred Allen I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson I'm going to see if Richard is going to be able to give me a life -- Maddy I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes. I'm not afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished. I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally. I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. I'm rated PG-34!! I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes. (Zaphod's Law) I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force. I've been trey-dueced. - An Algonquinite with a hand of threes and twos I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. I've got some years on my chest now, and the winds not blowing them off! I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer. I've seen him shadow boxing and the shadow won. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. IBM: I Blame Mathematics IBM: I Blame Microsoft IBM: I Blame Microsoft IBM: I Breaks Monthly IBM: I Bring Madness IBM: I Broke Mine IBM: I Built Mine IBM: I bring manuals IBM: I'd Be Misinforming IBM: I'd Buy Macintosh IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh IBM: I'm Being Manipulated IBM: I'm Beyond Mistakes IBM: I'm Buying Macintosh IBM: I've Become Magnanimous IBM: I've Been Mangled IBM: I've Been Mauled IBM: I've Been Mesmerized IBM: I've Been Misled IBM: Ici Beaucoup Merde IBM: Iconoclastic Bilateral Monopoly IBM: Icons Bygones My Mom's IBM: Idealistically Backwards Microcomputers IBM: Ideas Bring Money IBM: Idiots Became Managers IBM: Idiots Being Mental IBM: Idiots Built Me IBM: Idle Brain Malfunction IBM: Ifs Buts Maybys IBM: Ill'manners Being Mandatory IBM: Ill-mannered Besotten Macrocasm IBM: Illustrious Bankruptcy Malenfactor IBM: Illustrious Busy Mice IBM: Imbecile Bad Micros IBM: Imensa Bola De Manteca IBM: Imitable Boring Microcomputers IBM: Immeasurable Bigheaded Malapert IBM: Immovable Brash Monolith IBM: Impeccably Blue-dressed Managers IBM: Imperial Bellicose Marauder IBM: Imperialist by Marketing IBM: Impersonal Bellicose Magnate IBM: Impious Bacchnalain Metropolis IBM: In Business (for) Money IBM: Inadequates Becoming Millionaires IBM: Inane Brutish Merchandising IBM: Incompatible Blue Machines IBM: Inconsistent Business machines IBM: Incontinent Bandolerisimo Moloch IBM: Increasingly Bad Manufacturing IBM: Increasingly Banal Movement IBM: Incredible Bowel Movement IBM: Incredibly Bad Merchandising IBM: Incredibly Ballsey Marketeers IBM: Incredibly Belligerent Merketing IBM: Incredibly Big Manufacturer IBM: Incredibly Big Monster IBM: Incredibly Bloody Minded IBM: Incredibly Boastful Mercenary IBM: Incredibly Boring Manuals IBM: Incredibly Broad Monolopy IBM: Incredibly Bullying Menace IBM: Indecision Breeds Mistakes IBM: Indecorous Big-named Medusoid IBM: Indigestion Bothers Me IBM: Industry Bowel Movement IBM: Industry's Biggest Mistake IBM: Industry's Bulging Monolith IBM: Inept Bulling Menace IBM: Inevitably Bad Marketing IBM: Inferior Before Macintosh IBM: Infernal Biggest Mistake IBM: Infernal Blue Machines IBM: Infinite Budget Merchandising IBM: Infinitely Baffling Motives IBM: Inherently Bad Manuals IBM: Innovation By Management IBM: Insanely Better Marketing IBM: Insensitivity Begets Mediocrity IBM: Inshallah Burak Ma'lesh IBM: Insidious Byzantine Mentality IBM: Insignificant Bothersome Machine IBM: Insipidly Bankrolling Millions IBM: Insolent Bickering Mal-der-mer IBM: Install Bigger Memory IBM: Insulting Boorish Manner IBM: Insultingly Boring Microcomputers IBM: Intensely Boring Machines IBM: Intentionally Braindamaged Machinery IBM: Intercourse Beats Masturbation IBM: Interesting But Mediocre IBM: Interesting But Mundane IBM: Intergalactic Bottomline Mistake IBM: Internals By Mediocrity IBM: International Bit Mangler IBM: International Bowel Movement IBM: Intersmashable Byte manipulators IBM: Into Building Money IBM: Intriguingly Blue Motif IBM: Invented By Maladroits IBM: Invented By Marketing IBM: Invented By Murphy IBM: Irresponsibility Behaved Multinational IBM: It Broke Be IBM: It's Become Monolithic IBM: It's Been Malfunctioning IBM: It's Better 'morrow IBM: It's Better Manually IBM: It's Beyond Monolithic IBM: It's Broke Ma'am IBM: It's Bugging Me IBM: It's Bullshit Mommery IBM: Itty Bitty Machines IBM: Itty Bitty Mentality IBM: Itty Bitty Mouse IBM: Itty Bity Maharishi ISDN: It Still Does Nothing IVE SEEN THE FUTURE AND ITS RECURSIVE SEEN THE FUTURE AND ITS RECURSIVE SEEN Ibid you already know. -- (Terry Pratchett, Pyramids) Ice Cream cures all ills. -- Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine Ideas "off the top of the head" are like dandruff - small and flaky Idiot I may be, but tied up I ain't -- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures) If "To thine own self be true" means blowing up inflatable chickens... If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports. If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. If God is dead, who will save the Queen? If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked. If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? -- Marvin Kitman If I can't get a life I'll go with NoseyNick on the train -- Maddy, typo If I didn't have a Unix machine, I'd feel naked. -- Guess Who If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". -- Kernighan If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. -- Albert Einstein If I listen, I have the advantage. If I speak, the others have it. If I talk over people's heads, Ike must talk under their feet. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. If MS built cars, the airbag would say, "Are you sure?" before going off. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. -- Silverman's Law If Not You, Who Else? -- (Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind) If a = b and b = c, we've got a screwed up alphabet. If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. -- Paul White If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him. If a problem has a single neck, it has a simple solution. If a program is useful, it must be changed. If a program is useless, it must be documented. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a string has one end, then it has another end. -- Miksch's Law If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless? If all else fails, try duct tape. Duct tape can solve anything. If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. -- Finagle's First Law If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. If anything can go wrong, it will. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer! If at first you don't succeed, call it Windows NT. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 If at first you don't succeed, change the rules. If at first you don't succeed, create an "NT" version. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever even tried. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you don't succeed, forget skydiving, pal. If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft. If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? If everybody left there'd be nobody left -- Simes at The Ram If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. If it ain't broke, don't look for the microsoft hologram on the box. If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. If it is good, they will stop making it. -- Herblock's Law If it looks easy, it's tough. if it looks tough, it's damn near impossible. If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it. If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. If it's a stupid idea and it works, it's not stupid. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life had a vomit meter, we'd be off the scale. -- Joe Bob Briggs If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. If little else, the brain is an educational toy. -- Tom Robbins If love is Blind, Lingerie makes great braille. If memory serves me right, it would be the first time. If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. -- A. Einstein. If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. If only women came with pull-down menus and online help. If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops. -- Kelvin Throop If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Schryer If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe If there is no Portuguese word for blarney, there should be. If they give you ruled paper, write the other way. If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? -- Croll's Query If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. Peter If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? If we can't fix it - we'll fix it so nobody can. -- B. Gibbons If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. -- Maintainer's Motto If we can't fix it, it isn't broken. If we never died, we'd have to buy a whole lot of pants. If we see you smoking we'll assume you're on fire and take appropriate action If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! If you always look behind you, you'll walk in circles. If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? -- Ann Edwards-Duff If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. If you can get away with it, it's allowed. If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. If you can read this, you're too close. If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. If you can't convince them, confuse them. If you can't convince them, confuse them. If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. If you can't laugh at yourself, you probably just aren't funny. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. If you can't speak softly, just use the stick. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? If you do everything, you'll win. -- Lyndon Baines Johnson If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed. If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. If you hail a taxi, your bus trundles into view just as you get in. If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. If you have to hate, hate gently If you judge, investigate. -Seneca If you juggle with knives, you're likely to get cut. -- Kieran Donegal If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. If you see an onion ring - answer it! If you see someone wearing a badge saying "press", do just that. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. If you think that you can truncate my sig to 75 chars, then you can just fu If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. If you wait, it will go away. (Hellrung's Rule) If you want divine justice, die. -- Nick Seldon If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings - including this one. If you're happy, you're successful. If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem! If you're not part of the solution, you must be part of the precipitate. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin Disraeli If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? If you're too busy to laugh, you're too busy. If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. -- Ronald Reagan If your computer doesn't multitask, it ain't shit. -- Cal Keegan If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down. Ignorance simplifies ANY problem. -- R. Lucke Ignorance transcends architecture. -- James Gaskin Illiterate? Write today for free help. Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. -- Jack Paar Immoral Majority Charter Member. Immortality - a fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. Shoaff Implementation is the sincerest form of flattery. In /dev/null no one can hear you scream In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs. In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred syrup. In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. In God we trust; all else we walk through. In all likelihood, world inflation is over. In article reynolds@cochlea.bu.edu In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. In case of fire, break glass. In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. -- Brian Reid In many ways this is Allan Lamb. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. In order to see birds its is necessary to become a part of the silence. In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian. In space, no one can hear you flame. -- Tim P Scott, scott@spectra.com In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. In the carriages of the past you can't go anywhere. -- Maxim Gorkey In the days of old, When Knights were bold, And women were too cautious; In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds. In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. -- Perlis In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. In-sewer-ants-polly-sea! -- (Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic) Include me out! Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. Indecision is the basis of flexibility. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Individualists unite! Inferiority complex: a conviction by a jury of your fears. Innovation is hard to schedule. -- Dan Fylstra Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain. Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. Installing unix fixes the [VMS] bug. -- Barry Shein Interchangeable tapes won't. Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. Invalid null command. Irrationality is the square root of all evil -- Douglas Hofstadter Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? Is an edited batch file a son of a batch? Is it possible to be totally partial? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? Is this bullshit or fertilizer? Is this true or only clever? -- Augustine Birrell Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. It does not pay a prophet to be too specific. -- L. Sprague de Camp It doesn't matter if you win or lose, until you lose. It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won. It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is greased It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. It is necessary to have purpose. -- Alice #1, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3. It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal It is not impossible to govern the Italians, it is merely useless. It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis. It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? It is the business of little minds to shrink. -- Carl Sandburg It is the business of the future to be dangerous. -- Hawkwind It isn't easy being a fat narcissist. -- Jackie Gleason It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. It makes sense, when you don't think about it. It said "requires Windows 95 or better", so I installed Linux. It said "requires Windows 95 or better", so why won't it work on my Amiga? It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. It takes a smart man to know when he's stupid. -- Barney Rubble It took no computation to dance to the rock 'n roll station. -- VU It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. It was a catch 50/50 situation really. It was a game of three halves. It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot. It was so tangible I could almost reach out and touch it. It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. -- Wilkes, 1949 It wasn't lies. It was just bullshit, that's all. -- Elwood Blues It won't work. -- Jenkinson's Law It works better if you plug it in. It works better if you plug it in. -- Sattinger's Law It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your child processes are? It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! It's Nice To Be Important, But It's More Important To Be Nice. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright It's all right to let yourself go as long as you can get yourself back. It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. It's as if there's a laser beam in his chest attracting the ball. It's bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew W. Mathis It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear. -- Freeman Dyson It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. It's easier to get forgiveness than permission. -- Grace Murray Hopper. It's easy to tell when a politician is lying. If his lips move, he's lying. It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. It's here at last: We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks. It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. It's impossible to lose your footing on your knees. It's kind of fun to do the impossible. -- Walt Disney It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name. It's more than magnificent - it's mediocre. -- Sam Goldwyn It's not a dungeon - it's a fortified underground defense installation. It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. -- Garfield It's not their fault they're not Malkavian. It's on the other side. -- Law of Window Cleaning It's on the other side. -- Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. It's redundant! It's redundant! -- R. E. Dundant It's still a mystery why three turn up at once. It's the thought, if any, that counts! It's what you can't see that can kill you. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Japanese say the English are lazy. HAH! At least we cook our fish! Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying. Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends. Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine. -- Patti Smith Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. Jesus saves. Moses invests. Jimi Hendrix's modem was a Purple Hayes. Job Placement, n.: Telling your boss what he can do with your job. Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! Jog to church and keep spiritually fit. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Join the TAGLINE CHAIN !!, adopt and add 1. This one is copy #3 Join the march to save individuality! Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Just because one has a hole in his head, doesn't mean he has an open mind! Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in. Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! -- Michael J. Wagner Justice is incidental to law and order. -- J. Edgar Hoover Justice, n.: A decision in your favor. Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. Keep grandma off the streets - legalize bingo. Keep the wind in your solar sails... -- Glenn Clapp Killing is wrong. -- Losira, "That Which Survives," Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood Kirk to Enterprise - beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Klein bottle for sale... inquire within. Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Kneel and deliver! -- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies) Know Thy User. Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry N. Camp Know what to expect before you connect. Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either. Knowing when to optimize is as important as knowing how. -- Tom Neff Knowledge is of the past, wisdom is of the future. --Vernon Cooper LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis LISP: To call a spade a thpade. LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. Labour: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. Laetrile is the pits Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. Last one out, turn off the computer! Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder. Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. Laugh when you can; cry when you must. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one. Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the fun? Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. Lesser artists borrow, great artists steal. -- Igor Stravinsky Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing. Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. Let's split up. We can do more damage that way. Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission. Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth. Lie: The program is bug free. Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. Life is anything that dies when you stomp it. Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. Life is like a box of chocolates... Some git always nicks the nice ones. Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. Life is like a simile. Life is like an analogy Life is too important to take seriously. -- Corky Siegel Life is wasted on the living. Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else. Life would be much easier if I had the source code. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday. Lisp: To call a spade a thpade. Listen to the advice of the voices in your head, but DON'T lend them money. Live life like there's no yesterday. Live long and prosper. -- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7. Locked coathanger in car. Good thing I had a key. Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells awful. Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge. Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught. Look out! Behind you! Loose bits sink chips. Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Love - You get shot with an arrow, but the rest isn't so painful. -8yr old Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. -- Sigmund Freud Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is sentimental measles. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. Love thine enemies. Nothing pisses them off more. Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. -- Louise Beal Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is out of town. Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes. Lysistrata had a good idea. MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs MC Hammer, n. Device used to ensure firm seating of MicroChannel boards MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED - The Pershing II missiles have been launched. MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teens MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed. Machine independent code isn't. Machine-Independent, adj.: Does not run on any existing machine. Machines should work. People should think. Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence... Made a note in my diary on the way here, simply says "bugger" -- Blackadder Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix. Maintenance free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. Make input easy to proofread. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Make it right before you make it faster. Make sure all variables are initialized before use. Make sure comments and code agree. Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully. Make up your own mind. Amiga. Males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such. Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust? Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. -- Renning's Maxim Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. -- Mark Twain Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Man who smoke pot choke on handle. Managing programmers is like herding cats. Managing senior programmers is like herding cats. -- Dave Platt Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... Many a man's tongue broke his nose. -Seumas MacManus Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. Marriage is a triumph of habit over hate. Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. -- Serocki's Stricture Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire Marry me, Emily, and I'll never look at any other horse. Mary had a little lamb....and Mulder was determined to find out why. Math and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive. Math is like love - a simple idea but it can get complicated. -- R. Drabek Mathematician: a machine for converting coffee into theorems. Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. -- Jules Feiffer May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. May our nation continue to be a beaken (sic) of hope to the world... May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive. May you live in interesting times. -- Ancient Chinese Curse Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. Barton Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game? Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson. Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. Mediocrity thrives on standardization. Meets quality standards: It compiles without errors. Member, National Association For Tagline Assimilators (NAFTA) Memory dump: Amnesia... Memory serves wise commanders. -- Tz'u-hsi, 638 AD Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe." Microsoft isn't the answer. Microsoft is the question, and the answer is NO! Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... Microwaves frizz your heir. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Millihelen, adj: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. -- Russell Baker Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses. Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. Mobius strippers never show you their back side. Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds... Moderation is for monks. Moderation is good, but boring. Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. Modern women understand everything except their husbands. Modulation in all things. Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. Monday is the root of all evil. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. Money is the root of all wealth. Money is the root of all wealth. Money often costs too much. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Money was invented so we could know exactly how much we owe Mophobia, n.: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. -- H. G. Wells More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed! Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you! (Rimmer to Lister, Red Dwarf 7) Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. Mother Nature is a bitch. Mother is the invention of necessity. Mother nature is a bitch. Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. Mr. Worf, scan that ship... Aye, Captain... 300 DPI? Multitasking - screwing up several things at once. Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... Murphy was an optimist. -- O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it. My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. My God, Thiokol, when do you want me to launch? Next April? -- L. Mulloy My ambition stretches slightly further than profesional idiocy -- Blackadder My aura can beat up your aura. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. My computer NEVER cras My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI. My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier. My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. My other computer is also a Unix system. My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!! Name Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. Name the game: 154: "Medic!" Name the game: 562: "Right on Commander..." Nature loves a vacuum. Digital doesn't. -- DEC sales letter Nature teaches more than she preaches. There are no sermons in stones. Necessity is a mother. Neckties strangle clear thinking. -- Lin Yutang Negative slack tends to increase. -- Wynne's Law Neil Armstrong tripped. Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater. Neurotic: Self-taut person. Neutrality doesn't make sense - who are they being neutral against? Neutrinos have bad breadth. Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. -- Greener's Law Never argue with a women when she's tired - or rested. Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity. Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. Never draw fire; it irritates the people around you. Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss Piggy Never enter a battle of wits unarmed. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never hit a man when he's down. He may get back up again. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. He hates that. Never let your schooling interfere with your education. Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. Never let your studies interfere with your education. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. -- D. Gries Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Never say no. Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -- Hartley's Second Law Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix. Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. -- Steinbach Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. -- Micro Credo Never trust a computer you can't lift. -- Stan Masor Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. -- S. Hunt Never try to catch two frogs with one hand. -- Chinese Proverb Never try to outstubborn a cat. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -- Jackson Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine. Never write software that patronizes the user. New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. New systems generate new problems. New: It comes in different colors from the previous version. Newsflash! Explosion at M$ beta testsite - Infinite number of monkeys killed. Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn Nice computers don't go down. Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. Nihilism should commence with oneself. No extensible language will be universal. -- T. Cheatham No fortune is better than mis-fortune. No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Boothe Luce No line available at 300 baud. No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back -Turkish Proverb No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. -- Scott's first Law No matter what result is anticipated, someone will always fit facts to it. No more blah, blah, blah! -- Kirk, "Miri," stardate 2713.6. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. No one gossips about other people's secret virtues. No one is listening until you make a mistake. No one wants war. -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7. No problem is so big that you can't run away from it. -- Snoopy No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. No problem is too big it can't be run away from -- Linus No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system. No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates. No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot." -- Dr. Who Nobody ever gives up their seat for you. Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. Nobody said computers were going to be polite. Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. -- Ambrose Bierce Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. Nothing can stop him. Not even common sense. -- Mark Komarinski Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. -- Cheops' Law. Nothing improves with age. Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. -- Tussman's Law Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. -- Bucy's Law Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason. Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter Winchell Nothing succeeds like - failure. November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. Now is the time for all good men to come to. Now the All Blacks thunderbolt is moving slowly forward... Now touch these wires to your tongue! Nuclear war ... may not be desirable. -- Edwin Meese III Nuclear war would really set back cable. -- Ted Turner Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. -- Dr. Joy OK, so what's the speed of dark? OK, so what's the speed of dark? OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too. OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too. Objects are closer than they appear. Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. -- Plato Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them. Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! Oh god, fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more -- Blackadder Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon, we have the stars. Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. Oh, wow! Look at the moon! Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. Old mail has arrived. Old mercenaries never die. They just go to hell and regroup. Old musicians never die, they just decompose. Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. On Iraqi offer to withdraw: A bogus sham! On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. On a clear disk you can seek forever. -- Denning On a slow day, you can wait forever. -- The Fourth Law of Computing On the other hand, you have different fingers. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Once, adv.: Enough. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" One Nation, under God, with Liberty, Large Fries, and a Coke, to go. One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. One day a tortoise will learn how to fly. -- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods) One does not thank logic. -- Sarek, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4. One good turn gets most of the blankets. One hundred percent of the shots you don't take don't go in -- Wayne Gretzky One if by LAN, two if by C. -- Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski One learns to itch where one can scratch. -- Ernest Bramah One man's Windows are another man's walls... One man's constant is another man's variable. -- Perlis One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. One more drink and I'll be under the host. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. One person's error is another person's data. One picture is worth 128K words. One planet is all you get. One seldom sees a monument to a committee. One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. Only God can make random selections. Only a mediocre person is always at his best. -- W. Somerset Maugham Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. Only by looking into the hearts of man can one find the true root of evil. Only occasionally wets himself under pressure Only on the Amiga. Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. Oook! Optimization hinders evolution. Orange juice; that's the juice of an orange. Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. Our Constitution ... gives to bigotry no sanction. -- George Washington Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. -- Alex Schure Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket. Overload - core meltdown sequence initiated. PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding Maths Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Paint never looks the same on the wall as it does on the colour chart. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. Parents are warned that towels can be harmful if swallowed in large quantities Parsley is gharsley. -- Ogden Nash Part-time musicians are semiconductors. Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. Pascal is not a high-level language. -- Steven Feiner Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. Past experience is always true, never be mislaid by present facts. Patience will come to he who waits for it. Paul Revere was a tattle-tale People don't form relationships, they take hostages. People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. -- Ken Kesey People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed. People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. -- Jon Bentley People will buy anything that's one to a customer. Perestroika: could it happen here? -- Tom Neff Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. Performance is easier to add than clarity. Performance proven: It works through beta test. Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. -- John Keats Philosopy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. -- Don Marquis Plaese porrf raed. -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them. Please ignore previous fortune. Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. Please return Stewardess to original upright position. PnP: Plug and Pray Poetry, like chastity, can be carried to far. -- Mark Twain Poetry, like chastity, can be carried too far. -- Mark Twain Polymer physicists are into chains. Portable, adj.: Survives system reboot. Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. Possession, n. The whole of the law. Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained. Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on the earth. Pour encourjay lays ortras. -- (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!) Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. Power is danger. -- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2. Power, n: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. Predestination was doomed from the start. Preposterous, adj. The idea that murder is a crime. Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode. Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist! Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor. Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. Profanity: the universal programming language Professor: One who talks in someone else's sleep. Progasm: the feeling you get when your code works the first time Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer. Programmers do it bit by bit. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Programming by Monte Carlo methods is frowned upon. Programming is an art form that fights back. Programming is an unnatural act. Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer. Programs: What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it. Progress is made on alternate Fridays. -- Weinberg's First Law Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat. Psychiatrists stay on your mind. Psychoanalysis is the mental illness it purports to cure. -- Karl Kraus Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots. Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel. -- Kitman's Law Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Pushing 40 is exercise enough. Put no trust in cryptic comments. Put on your seatbelt...I wanna try something. Put the seat down. It makes you look like a warm, sensitive human being. Put your Nose to the Grindstone! QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm. QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France. Quality assurance: A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe...... REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe REALITY.SYS corrupted - reboot Universe (Y/N)? RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Rage is a wind that blows out the candle of reason. Random access is the optimum of the mass storages. Ranger is very! Read my lips - no new taxes. Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. Real Users hate Real Programmers. Real Users know your home telephone number. Real Users never use the Help key. Real programmers are a figment of the imagination. Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE Real programs don't eat cache. Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. Reality is a hypothesis. Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. Reality is for people who can't face science fiction. Reality is for people who lack imagination. Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. -- Alvy Ray Smith Reality's the only obstacle to happiness. Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! Recursive, adj.; see Recursive Reliable software must kill people reliably. -- Andy Mickel Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. Resistance is useless! Responsibility always exceeds authority. -- Kinkler's First Law Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities of progress. -- Edison Robson's lack of inspiration has been the cornerstone of United's weakness. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. -- W. Shakespeare, HAMLET Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems rhyme, but this one doesn't. Rubber bands have snappy endings! Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics. SCSI: System Can't See It SCSI: System Can't See It SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! SONY - Because caucasians are too damned tall SQUEAK. -- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods) SYSTEM ALERT #0.998 System Error : "Intel Inside" SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING. Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. -- Herb Caen San Francisco, n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. Sanity is relative - For some of us, it's just a distant cousin. Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. -- Mark Harrold Sarcasm: barbed ire. Sauron is alive in Argentina! Save a plant - kill a vegetarian. Save energy - be apathetic. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Science is about skepticism. -- Eugene Miya Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. -- Finagle's Creed Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up. Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list? Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! Seminars, n.: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. Serenity through viciousness. Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. Sex is better than logic. You can't prove it, but it is. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. -- Swami X Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. -- M. C. Reed. She always tells stories in the present vindictive. She is a real no-nonsense lady, a sort of a Harry Trueman in panty-hose. She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. -- Mark Twain She kept saying I didn't listen to her - or something. She looked like her face was set on fire, and put out with a cricket bat. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. She took the point, but she also took the spoons. -- J.R.R. Tolkien She was an earthly woman, so I treated her like dirt. She's genuinely bogus. She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human. She's too young for me -- Damo Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Ships don't come in, they're built. Shortcut: the longest distance between two points. Show me a sane man. I'll cure him for you. Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. Sign at a beauty shop: Dye now! Sign at a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Sign at a maternity clothes shop: We are open on labor day Sign at a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming. Sign at a music library: Bach in a minuet Sign in a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs Sign in a podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels Sign in a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff Sign in butcher's window: Pleased to meat you Sign on a scientist's door: Gone Fission Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt. Sign on computer store window: Out for a quick byte Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive" Sign on garbage truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got Sign on maternity room door: "Push,Push,Push" Sign on music teacher's door: "Out Chopin" Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best Place in town to take a leak Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. Simple advice is the best advice. Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. Sin now - Pray Later! Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. Since we're all here, we must not be all there. -- Bob "Mountain" Beck Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Slime is the agony of water. -- Jean-Paul Sartre Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. Snackmosphere: The 95% air inside bags of potato chips. So far from God, so close to the United States -- Old Mexican proverb Software Engineering: How to program if you cannot. -- Dijkstra Software, n.: Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. Some days I have to take 3 or 4 showers before the phone rings. Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle. Some grow with responsibility, others just swell. Some people are discovered; others are found out. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Some people are, through no fault of their own, sane. Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. Some things have to be believed to be seen. Someone will try to honk your nose today. Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. -- Lily Tomlin Sometimes you get the elevator and sometimes you get the shaft. Sometimes you have to be a harsh cookie editor. -- Karl Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. Space is not merely curved - it is, in fact, completely bent. Spare no expense to save money on this one. -- Samuel Goldwyn Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -- Dave Millman Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! Spelling is a lossed art. Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies. -- Datamazing, 4/1/78 Stalinism begins at home. -- Tom Neff State-of-the-art: What we could do with enough money. State-of-the-practice: What we can do with the money you have. Stay away from flying saucers today. Stay away from hurricanes for a while. Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. Stock item: We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably. Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Strip mining prevents forest fires. Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? Stupidity is NOT a handicap. You'll have to park elsewhere. Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe. -- Frank Zappa Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. -- Ken Batcher Superiority is recessive. -- Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces. Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you. Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have! Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Support wildlife - vote for an orgy. Support your local police force - steal!! Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing. Surprise due today. Also the rent. Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. Swap read error. You lose your mind. Swearing increases in inverse proportion to the amount of work completed. Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug. Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R. S. Barton THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd Wright Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. Take it easy, we're in a hurry. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. -- Euripides Talkers are no good doers. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. Taxes? We don't need no stinking taxes. -- Jeff Daiell Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis" Teachers have class. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else. Technically sound, but socially impossible. Ted Dexter is to journalism what Danny La Rue is to rugby league. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. Tennis players have fuzzy balls. Terminal glare: A look that kills... Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. That ball was glued to his right foot, all the way to the back of the net. That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver -- Foghorn Leghorn That does not compute. That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. That no-one ever reads these things? That secret you've been guarding, isn't. That was a strategic target, which I prefer to call a strategic target. That's another nail in what looks like being a very good score. That's not a bug, it's a feature! That's the trouble with omnipotency. Makes you think you can do anything. The 80's - when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. The Berlin Wall is the defining achievement of socialism. -- George Will The Borg assimilated my race & all I got was this T shirt. The Borg assimilated my race & all I got was this T shirt. The Borg assimilated my race & all I got was this T shirt. The Crown is full of it! -- Nate Harris, 1775 The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The Good Book has more chapters than the bad box had channels. The MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! The President isn't going on vacation. He's going on holiday. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format. The Universe is a figment of its own imagination. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. The avalanche has started, it's too late for the pebbles to vote -- Kosh The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. The average person thinks he isn't. The ball sounds hollow to me. The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. Fields The best defense against logic is ignorance. The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. The best packed information most resembles random noise. The best prophet of the future is the past. The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2 The best way to get into trouble is to be right at the wrong time. The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. The bigger they are, the harder they hit. The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. The bogosity meter just pegged. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. The bus is always late, unless you are ! The capacity of any water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers. The chain that can be yanked is not the cosmic chain. -- Cal Keegan The chief cause of problems is solutions. The chief cause of problems is solutions. -- Sevareid's Law The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The computer is the Proteus of machines. -- Seymour Papert The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up! The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language. The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. The fact that it works is immaterial. -- L. Ogborn The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. The filter has discreting sources. -- KSC FIDO, 1/28/86 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. -- Abbie Hoffman The first myth of management is that it exists. -- Heller's Law The first shot doesn't count, the first hit does. The first thing that strikes a stranger here is a car. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The geek shall inherit the earth. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. The heart has its reasons that the mind knows nothing of. -Blaise Pascal The highest form of pure thought is in mathematics. -- Plato The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. The human brain uses 7% of it's capacity. Too bad there's no RC5 client for it! The idea is to die young as late as possible. -- Ashley Montagu The idea was so amazingly brilliant that nobody took a blind bit of notice. The important thing is never to stop questioning. -- Albert Einstein The knuckles! The horrible knuckles! -- (Terry Pratchett) The length of the war depends on how long it might be. The less time planning, the more time programming. The less you bother me, the sooner you'll get results. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse. The meek will inherit the earth ... in pine boxes six feet long by ... The modem is the message. The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. -- Nicol Williamson The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. The moral majority is neither. The more things change, the more they stay insane. The more you know, the less you think you know. The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. -- Andy Warhol The most labour-saving device today is still a husband with money. The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on. The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt. The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. (6/72) The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature. The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. The one day you have the exact fare is the day it goes up. The only corporate defense against rationality is bureaucracy. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. The only sense in having kids is it's a good way to become a grandparent. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. The only thing worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxis. The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde The opera isn't over till the fat lady sings. The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine The paper is always strongest at the perforations. The paranoids are out to get us ALL!! The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The plural of spouse is spice. The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -- Weinberg, p.152 The proper basis for marriage is a mutual misunderstanding. The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. -- Hamming The real problem with SDI is that it doesn't kill anybody. -- Tom Neff The real world is a special case. The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. The revolution will not be televised. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- Emerson The road to to success is always under construction. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage. The secret of success is to be the one who keeps score. The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. The stationary bus you've run for won't move for 15 minutes. The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson The sum of the Universe is zero. The superfluous is very necessary. -- Voltaire The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. -- Mark Twain The temperature has shot up a little bit. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. The totality is present even in the broken pieces. -- Aldous Huxley The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. The trouble with the world is that everybody in it is three drinks behind. The truth shall make you free, but first it shall piss you off. The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. The two super-powers cannot divide the world into their oyster. The universe does not have laws - it has habits, and habits can be broken. The universe is laughing behind your back. The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The voters have spoken, the bastards ... The way to a man's heart is with a broadsword. The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. -- The Shadow The whole is the sum of its parts, plus one or more bugs The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone. The wise person writes bomb-proof code. The woods would be a very silent place if no birds sang except the best -- Dyke The world does not revolve on an axis. The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. The world's as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion. The young wish to give their elders the full benefits of their inexperience. The younger the better. Them that has, gets. -- Iron Law of Distribution. There IS intelligent life on Earth, but we're just visiting. There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. -- Crane's Law There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It takes your mind off your problems. There are always at least two ways to program the same thing. There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. There are no answers, only cross references. -- Weiner's Law of Libraries There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. -- Disraeli There are two ways to write bug-free code; only the third way works. There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head. There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. There is a time for everything. Mostly, the wrong time. There is always free cheese in a mousetrap. There is no doubt I should be tarred and feathered. -- Richard Sexton There is no knowledge that is not power. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson There is no limit to desire but desire's needs. There is no point in worrying about apathy when you can't care less. There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. There is no time like the pleasant. There must be more to life than compile-and-go. There was a badger in the privy. -- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies) There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific. There you can see Sunday Silence, who's hidden by another horse... There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. There's always one more bug. -- Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology There's an exception to every rule, except this one. There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. There's lots of evidence saying that the man's point of view is irrelevant. There's no damage to the car there, except to the car itself -- Murray Walker There's no future in time travel There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. There's no such thing as an easier route, but it's an easier route. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. They also surf who only stand on waves. They communicated by tap-dancing and farting. -- "Breakfast of Champions" They don't make nostalgia like they used to. They have an old saying in Riftcrag. Never trust a grinning half orc. They make a desert and call it peace. -- Tacitus (55?-120?) They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! Things are more like they used to be than they are now. Things get worse under pressure. Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. Think honk if you're a telepath. Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". This .sig is umop ap!sdn This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene. This Officer is really not really a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be. This employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left. This is an unprecedented incident but we do know it has happened before. This is not a news blackout, I just can't tell you anything. This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88. This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. This message has been cruelly tested on sweet little furry animals. This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. This old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81! -- Kryten, Red Dwarf 6 This picture is going to be one of the biggest white elephants of all time. This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door. This screen intentionally left blank. This sentence contradicts itself - no actually it doesn't. -- Hofstadter This system will self-destruct in five minutes. This time it will surely run. This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it. This young lady has delusions of adequacy This young lady has delusions of adequacy. Those are the sort of doors that get opened if you don't close them. Those who can't write, write help files. Those who can't write, write manuals. Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach -- H. L. Mencken's Law Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Those who cannot teach - administrate. -- Martin's Extension Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. Those who live in glass houses...shouldn't. Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. Those who worked the hardest are the last to surrender. -- Gary Ward Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. Thought is the blossom; language the bud; action the fruit behind it. Thrashing is just virtual crashing. Three can keep a secret, if two are dead. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. Three methods of restarting a computer: Warm boot, Cold boot, Combat boot Thud. Thud. Thud. Splat. -- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens) Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. -- Groucho Marx Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods. -Japanese proverb To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. -- Woody Allen To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. To define recursion, we must first define recursion. To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. To err is human, to moo bovine. To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. To generalize is to be an idiot. -- William Blake To have a horror of the bourgeois is bourgeois. -- Jules Renard To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. -- Robert Heller To laugh at persons of sense is the privilege of fools. To live life is not to just merely live it, but to experience it. To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official. Today is the first day of the rest of the mess Today is the last day of your life so far. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Today's Science fiction - Tomorrow's Fact Today's subliminal thought is: Todays assembler command: EXOP - Execute Operator Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn. Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn. Too clever is dumb. -- Ogden Nash Too many clicks spoil the browse. Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West Top scorer so far is Watkinson with his 50 or Atherton with his 40. Toroidal carbohydrate modules? Make mine glazed! -- Zippy Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot". -- (Terry Pratchett) Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes... Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) Truthful: Dumb and illiterate. Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents. Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. Trying is the first step towards failure - Homer J. Simpson Trying to establish voice contact ... please *yell* into keyboard. Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. -- Walt Kelly Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. -- Howard Kandel Two percent of zero is almost nothing. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Two wrongs do not make a right: it usually takes three or more. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. Two's company, three's the result. UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. UNIX is a computer virus with a user interface. UNIX is many things to many people, but never everything to anybody. UNIX should be used as an adjective. -- AT&T UNIX: It's a nice place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit there. US out of North America, NOW!! -- Richard O'Rourke USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue. USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. Unicorns aren't mythical - virgins are!! Universe, n.: The problem. Unix is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. -- Peter Norton Unix soit qui mal y pense Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible. Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before. Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches. Use free-form input where possible. Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first. User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. User: A harmless drudge. Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. -- S. C. Johnson VCR - a backup device for your television VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M. VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? Variables won't; constants aren't. -- Osborn Variables won't; constants aren't. -- Osborn's Law Veni, Vidi, Visa. Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvor Hardin Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard. Virginity can be cured. Virtual reality is its own reward. Virtue is a relative term. -- Spock, "Friday's Child," stardate 3499.1. Virtue is its own punishment. Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard? Vitamin C deficiency is apauling Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD! Vote anarchist Vulcans never bluff. -- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine," stardate 4202.1. WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses... WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation... WWW: World Wide Wait Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain Waiter, I'll have what the guy writhing on the floor had. Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! -- Kermit the frog Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. Wallpaper is an animate object. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. War hath no fury like a non-combatant. -- Charles Edward Montague War is like love; it always finds a way. -- Bertold Brecht War is never imperative. -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Warp 7 - It's a law we can live with. Was that your wife I saw in that GIF? Wasting time is an important part of life. Wasting time is an important part of living. Watch out for off-by-one errors. Watership Down. You've read the book, seen the movie, Now eat the pie... We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. -- Whole Earth Catalog We are Marvin of Borg. Guess what weapons we have. Go on, guess. We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. -- Winston Churchill We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. We can predict everything, except the future. We can't help him, Nurse. He has on dirty underwear. We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! -- Vroomfondel, HHG We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. We have 5 pints of milk, so we can just about cover everybody -- Estelle We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. We seem to have unleashed a hornets nest. We took some pictures of the native boys, but they weren't developed. We walked on the moon - you be polite. -- Joni Mitchell We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later. We're about as similar as 2 dissimilar things in a pod -- Blackadder We're in such a hurry most of the time we never get much chance to talk. We're only in it for the volume. -- Black Sabbath We're the weirdest monkeys ever. -- Karl Lehenbauer We've got some good players and so have they - that's the difference. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! Well, I suppose one regards it as an optional extra. Went to the boxing match last night. A hockey game broke out. What I tell you three times is true. What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. What boots up must come down. What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities. What do they use to ship styrofoam? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? What do you mean you formatted the cat? What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over. What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies. What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What happens if you've got TWO flats? They replace your generator. What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free? What is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan Kenobi What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. What the world #really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. What this country needs is a good five-cent ANYTHING! What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. What this world needs is a damn good plague. What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. What to get for the man who has everything? Penicillin. What urge will save us now that sex won't -- Jenny Holzer, word artist What urge will save us now that sex won't. What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. What you see is rarely what you get. What's a light-year? One-third less calories than a regular year. What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright What's another word for synonym? What's the most popular form of birth control? The headache. What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? -- The Doctor Whatever became of eternal truth? Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop? When a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes. When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read the manual. When all else fails, read the instructions! When all else fails, read the instructions. When all else fails, read the instructions. -- Cahn's Axiom When all else fails, read the instructions. -- Don's Axiom: When all other means of communication fail, try words. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. When he opens his mouth, it is only to change whichever foot was already in it When in Rome, do as the Visigoths do. When in doubt, do what the President does - guess. When in doubt, mumble. -- Boren's Law When in doubt, tell the truth. -- Mark Twain When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson When in panic, fear and doubt, Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. When investigating the unknown you do not know what you will find. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. -- Lynch's Law When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical -- Jon Carroll When the going gets wierd, the weird turn pro. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your nose. When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --Oscar Wilde Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Where does he get those wonderful toys? -- The Joker Where subtlety fails you, make do with cream pies. Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?". Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. Wherever you go, there you are. (Pooh's Rule) Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back While all answers are replies, not all replies are answers. While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Who is more foolish, the fool, or he who follows the fool? Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? Who's on first? Whoever wins the first frame will be one frame up. Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. Why be a man when you can be a success? -- Bertold Brecht Why can you never buy a bottle of shampoo without 25 percent extra in it? Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? Why did Shakespeare use so many famous quotations in his work? Why did the Borg cross the road? Standing was irrelevant. Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation? Why did the tachyon cross the road? Because it was on the other side. Why do floorboards creak only after midnight? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why do men go to war? Because women are watching. -- T. S. Eliot Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Why do they lock gas station loos? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection? Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? Why does grass smell only when you mow it? Why experiment on animals with so many Loose95Lemmings out there? Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is there always a coffee stain on page 63 of your library book? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? Why is there no heating outside, where it's really cold? Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? -- Lily Tomlin Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why was I born with such contemporaries? -- Oscar Wilde Windows NT: The world's only 80 megabyte Solitaire game! Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing. Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection. Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. With a rubber duck, one's never alone. With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. Without ice cream there would be darkness and chaos. -- Don Kardong Women seldom show dimples to boys who have pimples. Women were born to lie, and men to believe them. Woof bloody woof. -- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures) Woof. In tones of low menace -- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures) Woof? -- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures) Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap Worry is a human emotion. -- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4. Would you mind if I changed one tiny detail... the words -- Blackadder Wow! Wow! Wow! Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. Xerox does it again and again and again and ... Xerox never comes up with anything original. Xerox sues somebody for copying? -- David Letterman YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!" Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. Years of development: We finally got one to work. Yelp -- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures) Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. Yes, but which self do you want to be? Yesterday is a bounced cheque, tomorrow, an IOU, today, your only cash. Spend wisely. Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again. You always find something in the last place you look. -- Boob's Law You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. You are the only person to ever get this message. You buttered your bread, now lie in it. You can beat reality with enough imagination. You can lead a horse to water, but don't look him in the mouth. You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. -Jeanette Rankin You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. You can't fall off the floor. -- Paul's Law You can't get snot off of a suede jacket. -- Lenny Bruce You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. You can't make a program without broken egos. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. You depend too much on computers for information. You don't get a quote today, because you didn't smile... You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. You have junk mail. You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed! -- Bill You know better than to trust a strange computer. You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password. You know what they say - don't get mad, get angry... You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. You may be recognized soon. Hide. You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. You might have mail. You never find the what you want, until you replace it. You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. You think Oedipus had a problem - Adam was Eve's mother. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. You'd learn more from your mistakes if you'd stop denying you made them. You'll never be the man your mother was! You're at the end of the road again. You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. You're dead, Jim. -- McCoy, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7. You're dead, Jim. -- McCoy, "The Tholian Web," You're never too old to become younger. -- Mae West You're never too old to learn something stupid. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. You've got to be cruel to be cruel. You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. -- Gary Giddens Your PC WILL be assimilated... Borg Gates announces Windows NT Your ambition, is that right - to abseil across the Channel? Your availability is your greatest asset. Your chances of winning the lottery get better if you buy a ticket. Your computer is dieing of boredom. We're here to help. www.distributed.net. Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. Your fault, core dumped. Your ignorance cramps my conversation. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. Your password is pitifully obvious. Yow! Am I having fun yet? -- Zippy the Pinhead ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume. ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... Zen master at hotdog stand: "Make me one with everything" Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line. [If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses] [Love is] like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. -John, age 9 fortune: No such file or directory kebabs are something you drink after a hangover -- Spike, drunk. printf("%c... the final frontier", 32); quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur -- The Concuspidor society is suspicious of those who value silence. -John Lahr vmunix: kbd: Too many keys down! Success is like a fart - only your own smells nice -- James P. Hogan IN A WORLD WITHOUT WALLS AND FENCES - WHO NEEDS WINDOWS AND GATES? Linux: A penguin which jumps through Windows and leaps over Gates. Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent. Linux vs. Windows is a no-Win situation Real life is but a pale imitation of a Dilbert strip Drop your carrier .. we have you surrounded If a bus station is where a bus stops, what's a work station? You are only as free as your options; develop alternatives to every situation. HEADLINE: Include Your Children When Baking Cookies HEADLINE: Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says HEADLINE: Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers HEADLINE: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted HEADLINE: Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case HEADLINE: Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents HEADLINE: Iraqi Head Seeks Arms HEADLINE: Prostitutes Appeal To Pope HEADLINE: Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over HEADLINE: British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands HEADLINE: Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms HEADLINE: Eye Drops Off Shelf HEADLINE: Teachers Strike Idle Kids HEADLINE: Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead HEADLINE: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax HEADLINE: Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told HEADLINE: Miners Refuse To Work After Death HEADLINE: Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant HEADLINE: Stolen Painting Found By Tree HEADLINE: Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter HEADLINE: Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years HEADLINE: Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One HEADLINE: War Dims Hope For Peace HEADLINE: If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While HEADLINE: Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures HEADLINE: Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide HEADLINE: Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge HEADLINE: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead HEADLINE: Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge HEADLINE: New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group HEADLINE: Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft HEADLINE: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks HEADLINE: Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy HEADLINE: Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire HEADLINE: Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood HEADLINE: Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half HEADLINE: New Vaccine May Contain Rabies HEADLINE: Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors Horn broken. Watch for finger. Keep honking...I'm reloading. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. All generalizations are false. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I brake for no apparent reason. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? He who laughs last thinks slowest. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. Rehab is for quitters. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. No radio - Already stolen. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Caution: I drive like you do. PC DOS Error #04: Out of disk space. Delete Windows? (Y)es (H)ell yes! echo "water" | sed 's/ater/ine/' Vuja De: the feeling that you've never been here before. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. UNIX guide to sex: unzip;strip;touch;finger;mount;fsck;more;yes;umount;sleep Of 1000 chemicals in cofee, only 26 have been tested. 13 caused cancer in rats Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.00 computor and spreasheet progroms Received a plague for sales person of the year Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions Failed bar exam with relatively high grades It's best for employers that I not work with people Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse The company made me a scapegoat, just like my 3 previous employers References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me. Midget psychic escapes from prison, small medium at large! Trying is the first step towards failure - Homer J. Simpson Unix is life. The rest is (c) Microsoft, Inc. Acute sufferer of B5 deprivation syndrome; Owner of redundant television. When sending anonymous messages, don't use headed note paper. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Tell me what you need,and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him Please Bypass this Heart She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly IBM & MS are trademarks; Amiga is a philosophy. Some who don't seem to play with a full deck are often playing 3 games at once A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject Zen master walked up to hot dog stand, said "Make me one with everything" Damn the prime directive. Give the Borg Windows 95. Life is unfair. I'm going to complain to the management. Software is like sex, it's better when it's free -- Linus Torvalds. Take a perfect circle, caress it and you'll have a vicious circle. Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. No sense being pessimistic; it probably wouldn't work anyway! Not the sharpest knife in the drawer Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching A room temperature IQ Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on A prime candidate for natural deselection Bright as Alaska in December One-celled orgamisms out-score him on IQ tests Donated his body to science before he was done using it Fell out of the family tree Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it He's so dense, light bends around him If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week If you give him a penny for this thoughts, you'd get change If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm One neuron short of a synapse Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead Windows doesn't just crash - it opens a dialog box and lets you press OK first. Member, National Association For Tagline Assimilators (NAFTA) The Lab called..... Your brain is ready! This message is SHAREWARE! To Register, send $5. Top Oxymorons Number 42: Airline Food I don't know what makes you tick but I wish it was a time bomb. Format C: Kills software bugs dead. You are in a twisty maze of standards, all conflicting You people are using computers? I am whistling into my telephone. - Guy Macon Fatal error. Press F13 to recover Smash forehead on keyboard to continue Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted (Beggars can't be...) Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony Neophite's serendipity A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no small biophytic plant. Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity Freedom from incrustations of crime is contiguous to rectitude It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lacteal fluid The stylus is more potent than the rapier It is fruitless to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers Surveillance should precede saltation Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive "bother" said pooh, as he received his compuserve bill. NT users are paying for the sins of a previous life Win95 users are paying for the sins of a previous life Win98 users are paying for the sins of a previous life Microsoft users are paying for the sins of a previous life In an open world there will be no Gates! Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils. others preferred to be oil. Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Watch your altitude. It's the first thing people notice about you The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. Dueling is legal in Paraguay if both parties are registered blood donors Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants More people are killed by donkeys than are killed in plane crashes Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump." Marilyn Monroe had six toes If you keep a Goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white Women blink nearly twice as much as men. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with A snail can sleep for 3 years China has more English speakers than the United States The electric chair was invented by a dentist Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon No word in the English language rhymes with month The QE2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns There are two credit cards for every person in the United States Cat's urine glows under ultraviolet light. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously The most common name in the world is Mohammed Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour On average, people fear spiders more than they do death The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open You can't kill yourself by holding your breath Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a poisonous spider A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated Polar bears are left-handed A cockroach will live nine days without its head. It then starves to death Elephants are the only animals that can't jump An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain Starfish haven't got brains A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes 30 minutes of begging is not considered foreplay. I am PentiumIII of borg. Hiding is futile. Your CPU-ID will be reactivated A fool and his money are soon partying. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable I'm trying to imagine you with a personality Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. Do I look like a freakin' people person? I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? You! Off my planet! I don't know if I can assimilate one more Borg Tagline! people who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses Where there is no vision, the people will perish.... The hinge that squeaks gets the grease In an open world there will be no Gates! I can't speak a foreign language so I grew hair under my arms instead. My philosophy: No pain, no pain -- Carol Leifer I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, but because I hate plants I'm not a vegetarian, because I love animals. Suppose you were an idiot. Suppose you were a member of Congress. Our bombs are smarter than the average high-school student. They can find Kuwait I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? When we talk to God we're praying. When God talks to us we're schizophrenic. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor Atheism is a nonprophet organization Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? What was the best thing before sliced bread? I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. Do they ever shut up on your planet? Earth is full. Go home. If I throw a stick, will you leave? Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you weren't asleep. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. I plead contemporary insanity. Adults are just kids who owe money. Autopsy is a dying practice The main problem with old age is that you don't grow out of it The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity I want to live in a world where software doesn't stink. I want to be filthy stinking rich... Oh well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. Beauty is only a light switch away. I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Make love, not war... Hell, do both, get married! If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Express Lane: Five beers or less - Sign over a urinal No wonder you always go home alone. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? What was the best thing before sliced bread? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day? What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about? What happened to the first 6 "ups"? Make the world a better place, kill a software tyrant today, kill bill. Y2K-Y jelly: when you want to put 4 digits where previously only 2 would go. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a darn. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. Are you a freakin' ray of sunshine every day? I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. You receive a full University education. Loose 25 sanity points... How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? Clones are people two. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Think "honk" if you're telepathic. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Why is it that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? WorkLikeYouDontNeedTheMoney.LoveLikeYouveNeverBeenHurt.DanceLikeNobodysWatching Is there reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? We are Drunk of Borg. Resilience is floor tile. Wan'be sim'lated? Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Press any key except no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. Close your eyes and press escape three times. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y) This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off To shut down your system, type WIN BREAKFAST.SYS halted Cereal port not responding COFFEE.SYS missing Insert cup in cup holder and press any key CONGRESS.SYS corrupted Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) User Error: Replace user. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N) Welcome to Microsoft's World. Your Mortgage is Past Due Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles deleted. Why is it that you have to have a license to drive, but not one to have kids? Life is just one BIG beta test cycle I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got half-way through.. It was all so different before everything changed. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few... It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. If commodore got the contract for KFC they'd call it Warm Dead Bird Fecal matter will always hit the propulsive air turbine. It's a law of nature Honk if you love peace and quiet. I haven't gone where I wanted to go, but I've ended up where I wanted to be. Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training The creation of a black hole on earth could be disasterous. Are Cheerios really doughnut seeds? I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. I checked the Internet to see how long a possum can hold its breath. The names have been changed to make them sound funnier. "I'll show you how to do it."... "What do I type to start." On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. Product will be hot after heating. Do not iron clothes on body. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. on a vending machine: "Beware! This machine is coiniverous!" The Universe knows what it's doing -- Ambasador Delenn, B5 bother, said pooh, as the borg assimilated his race "Bother," said Pooh, as Piglet was assimilated by the Borg. I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money IRS-Be Audit You Can Be If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You Old Age Comes at a Bad Time In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge There once was a big guy named lou, Whose limericks would end at line two A poet who reads their verse in public may have other nasty habits Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate Since i was born i started to decay, now nothing ever ever goes my way. Scrute the inscrutable; eff the ineffable. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here? Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Stop tagline theft! Copyright your tagline (c) Is that "woof" feed me; "woof" walk me; "woof" there's a burglar? What?? Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source. I think that Bill in creating Windows98 somewhat overestimated his ability. March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal" Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, wise grows it under his feet. 'Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right.' -Henry Ford 'Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.' -Goethe 'The ultimate inspiration is the deadline.' Nolan Bushnell One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar -- Keller Bad taste makes the day go by faster -- Andy Warhol No one can make you feel inferior without your consent -- Roosevelt What I don't like about office parties is looking for a job the next day. Giraffiti: Vandalism which has somehow been spray-painted in a very high place. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Burglesque: A poorly-planned break-in (e.g. Watergate). Glibido: Affliction, causes people to talk about sex more than they have it. Dopeler effect: How stupid ideas seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. 1000s of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? Amiga: Did multimedia tricks in 1985 that today's PCs still can't - PCWdec1999 It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Welcome to the Age of Stupidity. Smart people not welcome! Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog. 1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed. Snow Blower For Sale... Only used on snowy days. FREE PUPPIES... Part german shepherd - part stupid dog 2 Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15 Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale. German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks german. Free. FREE! 1 Can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 bed 2 bath home. For Sale: Lee Majors (6 million dollar man) - $50 Bill's septic cleaning "we haul american made products" FOUND: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be reward. Hummels - largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!" Get a little john: The traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer. For Sale: Nice parachute: Never opened - Used once - slightly stained FREE: Farm kittens. Ready to eat. For Sale: Exercise equipment: Queen size mattress & box springs. $175. Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% italian leather. Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300. Lawyer says client is not that guilty. Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember HEADLINE: Gas cloud clears out taco bell. It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin. Forbidden fruit creates many jams. Parking is for Church patrons only. Violators will be baptized. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. You know the end of the world is near when the Spice Girls start reproducing. Your men were running around the ship looking for someone to surrender to. The green belt was a Labour idea, and we are determined to build on it -Prescott People are, let's face it - scum. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of paranoia I assume full responsibility for my actions, except those that are not my fault I don't need to punish or compromise myself, Unless I want to stay employed. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I have no personality at all. I am not as judgmental as all those self-righteous people around me. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging? I gladly share my advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so" False hope is nicer than no hope at all. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. I won't sit on my sofa all day watching TV. I will move my TV into the bedroom. Who can I blame for my own problems? I'll find someone. I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home. I am willing to make mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought" Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? Traveled by bus? "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke" "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight" "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo" "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again" "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention" "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way" "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face" "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car" "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian" "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor You need a license to have a dog, but any idiot can have a child If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... !pu dekcuf sreenigne tfosorciM Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. NOT getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. Spend some time alone in silence every day. Open your arms to change but don't let go of your values. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality. Be gentle with the earth. Once a year go someplace you've never been before. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence. You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need. Did you know: Pearls melt in vinegar. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. 35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. 10% of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. What boots up must come down. Fax is stranger than fiction. Don't byte off more than you can view. The geek shall inherit the earth. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net... Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. Money talks. Mine says "I'm leaving." Don't throw your computer out the window. Throw Windows out of your computer. Vegetables are what _food_ eats! When blondes have more fun, do they know it? Television is called a medium because it is neither rare or well-done. Impulse - Janeaway can't help acting on it "The year 2000 has come quicker than expected!" ERROR #0915: MONITOR NOT PRESENT. CLICK ON OK TO CONTINUE. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of $#!+ You have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f***. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you? It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Ahhh, I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure? The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. This isn't an office. It's Hell with florescent lighting. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. You! Off my planet!! Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 33 years. Sarcasm is just one more Service we offer. Do they ever shut up on your planet? I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. Im trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. How many times do I have to flush before you go away I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. Too many freaks, not enough circuses Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done. Earth is full. Go home. Is it time for your medication or mine? Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? I plead contemporary insanity. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. When I want your opinion, I'll, give it to you. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. Allow me to introduce my selves. You! Off my planet!! Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. And your crybaby whiny-hiney opinion would be...? I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Do they ever shut up on your planet? I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. Earth is full. Go home. Is it time for your medication or mine? Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. When someone says, 'have a nice day' tell them you have other plans. Forget Weight Watchers and send yourself a candygram. Make a list of 'things to do' that you've already done. Fill out your tax return using Roman numerals. Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it all the next day. Drive to work in reverse. Refresh yourself: put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail. Read a dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. Send your doctor a bill for the time you spent in his waiting room. Braid the hairs in each nostril. Write a short story using alphabet soup. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. Tape pictures of your boss onto watermelons and launch them from high places. Make up a language and ask people in the street for directions As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath. assume full responsibility for my actions, except those that aren't my fault. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment. I honor my personality flaws - without them I would have no personality at all. Joan of Arc heard voices, too. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts. I am at one with my duality. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. False hope is better than no hope at all. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." You should not confuse your career with your life. "We are a free people here in the US(except where prohibited by law)" My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work. Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents! A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to it's head. MCSE: Minesweeper Consultant and Solitaire Expert. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too! So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust! Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself! My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. Dull women have immaculate houses. Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land." At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding" I'm not standing motionless, I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Does YOUR computer have an "Intel Inside" warning label? If Java had TRUE garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves "We have no fuel on board, plus or minus 8 kilograms," said a NEAR scientist. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. There will always be death and taxes, but death doesn't get worse every year. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show. Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. If it wasn't for marriage, men would live life thinking they had no faults at all. Both of my marriages have been disappointments, my first wife left me and my second one didn't. Minds are like parachutes; they function best when open. Bumper Sticker: If you can read this; I've lost my trailer. Convicted rapists: 57% admitted to reading pornography. 95% to reading the Bible As easy as 3.141592653589793238462643383279502883197116939937510... Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? Does that screwdriver belong to Philip? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Lemon juice made with artificial flavor, dishwashing liquid with real lemons? Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? If you can read this, I can slam on my breaks and claim damages from you. Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer. I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me here. Every day I beat my own record for the number of days I've stayed alive. You are few fries short of a Happy Meal. You are a leader, people follow you, but only out of morbid curiosity. If ignorance is bliss you are orgasmic! May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful. Everyone is entitled to be dull, but you are abusing the privilege. Only drug dealers and software companies call their customers 'users.' If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts There R only 10 types of ppl: Ones who understand binary, and Ones who don't. When my kids are unruly, I use a safe playpen. When they're done, I climb out. I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat. If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something. Any child who is anxious to mow the lawn is too young to do so. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A backwards poet writes inverse. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat Trouble with doing it right 1st time is nobody realises how difficult it was Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. A day without sunshine is like...night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember, half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last thinks slowest. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. OK, so what's the speed of dark? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. Constipated People Don't Give A crap. If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My butt. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Illiterate? Write For Help Honk If Anything Falls Off Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person You! Out Of The Gene Pool! If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen upside down on a jeep] Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph... Are Also Timed for 70 mph. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel Boldly Going Nowhere How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down... Before He Admits He is lost? Money Isn't Everything, But Poverty Sucks! Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It! I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? In God We Trust, everyone else get yourself an X.500 certificate In God We Trust, everyone else get yourself a GPG key There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats never forgot this. Cats are smarter than dogs. Try getting 8 cats to pull a sled through snow. In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. Cats are delicate creatures, subject to many ailments, but never insomnia. People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. I am dyslexic of Borg. You will be ass laminated Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible. My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it is gone. Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent The world only beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time Do not start with me. You will not win All stressed out and no one to choke I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people How can I miss you if you won't go away? Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. A silent man is a wise one. A man without words is a man without thoughts. Look before you leap. He who hesitates is lost. Many hands make light work. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Actions speak louder than words. The pen is mightier than the sword. Clothes make the man. Don't judge a book by its cover. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. The nail that sticks out gets hammered Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better safe than sorry. WANTED: Schroedinger's Cat. DEAD OR ALIVE. The difference between insanity and genius is measured only by success A church with a lightning rod shows a decided lack of confidence. Mt Rainer? Disk format? That's near the 1st ever "unidentified disc" sighting! Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it. Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! There's no place like 127.0.0.1 Homeowners should expect to repair direct meteor damage every 100,000,000 years Health nuts will feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. STUNT SNAIL! ........\"@ see him jump 8 worms! Magnae clunes mihi placent, nec possum de hac re mentiri. Agent Smith can replicate... but why is there a fork(), if there is no spoon()? Amiga makes it possible, Mac makes it expensive, 'doze just makes Bill richer. Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I think I have one in the basement. Let me check upstairs. -- M.C. Esher. Some of my users would double-click on a landmine to see what it did All these worlds are yours except Europa. Attempt no landings there. $jungle->{mighty}->{lion}->{sleep} = "tonight"; Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.' Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served. I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen! Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time. Born free; Taxed to death.. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. The hardest part of skating is the ice. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.. If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills? Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon! It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers) Someday is not a day of the week Smoking kills man slowly-Let it be, who wants to die hastily Late to bed and early to rise, moves you into Prod Support An apple a day keeps the doctor away; an ONION a day keeps everyone away Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Any sufficiently advanced sarcasm is indistinguishable from offtopic. Any sufficiently advanced ignorance is indistinguishable from stupidity. Any sufficiently reliable magic is indistinguishable from technology. Any sufficiently nice person is indistinguishable from someone who likes you. Any sufficiently advanced communication is indistinguishable from random noise. Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice. Any sufficiently advanced ET intelligence is indistinguishable from God. Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced. Almost overnight it seems, no more PEBCAKs in my dreams It's dangerous. Leave it to an untrained, unqualified, expendable professional. Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, Thats why it's called the Present The only real valuable thing is intuition -- Einstein Imagination is more important than knowledge -- Einstein The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. -- Einstein [The mysterious] is the source of all true art and science -- Einstein Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new -- Einstein The reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once -- Einstein Fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing knowledge -- Einstein Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler -- Einstein The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources -- Einstein Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school -- Einstein No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it -- Einstein The important thing is not to stop questioning -- Einstein Curiosity has its own reason for existing -- Einstein Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one -- Einstein 2 things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe -- Einstein Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile -- Einstein If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts -- Einstein A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be -- Einstein Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18 -- Einstein Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere -- Einstein Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them -- Einstein I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious -- Einstein If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough -- Einstein It's not that I'm so smart, just that I stay with problems longer -- Einstein Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the globe -- Einstein "I think he considered the accelerator to be a boolean variable" That beauty is out there. All you have to do is stop believing in it, and start understanding it. You can't run through a campground. You can only ran, 'cos it's past tents. Use as much PHP on your website as cigarettes you would allow a pregnant woman to smoke per day The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually he will microwave that fish at work I think I see which direction my "get rich or die trying" plan is headed "Amateur Radio is a full-contact sport"